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That meant I got to ride around with Nathan and his friends. I learned to drink beer and occasionally smoke some weed. Once in a great while, I acted as a lookout while Nathan and his friends "hooked up" with girls they picked up. They were in college and I was sixteen. Sweet sixteen and never been kissed. Not quite. I kissed a few frogs. It felt so cool to be doing shit with college men with easy access to beer, cars, and weed.Then suddenly Nathan was gone. The prospect of an entire summer doing ordinary stuff scared the shit out of me. Dad said I was old enough to stay home by myself but that was the last place I wanted to be. After a week of hanging out by myself, watching Netflix and surfing porn, I was ready to get my old life back. I didn't have a boyfriend; I only had Nathan's friends. So I texted Josh and told him I was bored. He was apparently having a mind-numbing day because he came by almost immediately. We talked for a while and I finally told him I missed. .. my right arm crossing my chest with a cigarette in my left hand i look down on her wretched... utterly deflated self and i ponder which direction to head in next...and eventually... cigarette smoked... her a little quieter now... i bend from my hips... come in very close to her ear and in a calm and caring voice... the detachment from our previous exchange missing now... and say "you can make it all stop..." calm and almost quiet however enough to make her jump... just a little... and cause a very brief pause in her self pitying... wordless... mewing lament... "it can all be over..." i continue... "no more pain... no more suffering... just bliss... quiet oblivion and bliss... all you need to do is say the word... one little word and it will be over... no effort... no strain... just a word... just say it... say it... is that so hard...??? so much to ask...???" and here calm and almost quiet begins to rise... soft tones replaced by deeper meaning... menace growing... a return to what.
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